I’m 23.
Med student. No girlfriend.
Living alone off campus.
Something’s clearly missing in my life, I thought.
So I started playing World Of Warcraft.
If you’re going to be so very tragic, you may as well go the whole nine yards.
Complete the cliché.
World Of Warcraft, you’re far too cool and hip to know, is a massively multiplayer online roleplaying game. Orcs and stuff.
You start off by creating an unfeasibly physically endowed character, then run around hitting things with unfeasibly large swords and collecting coins and various pieces of digital detritus on the understanding that, given enough man hours, you may be able to one day win a Sword Of +500 Stamina or something.
And because it’s massively multiplayer, you do all this while 15-foot-tall Conan types controlled by 15-year-old fat kids run circles around you, pointing, laughing and calling you a “fuckin noob”.
It’s terribly realistic.
For example, within my first few hours in WoW I wandered into my first major city and attempted to buy some cheese from a cheese shop. Just like in real life.
I was given the option of buying some “Swiss” cheese.
You see, those crafty dimension-hopping Swiss cheesemakers have somehow managed to infiltrate Azeroth.
That, or the people responsible for coding WoW all think “Swiss” just means “it’s got holes in it”.
But the cheesemaker refused to sell me the Swiss cheese, on the tenuous grounds that you have to be Level 25 or higher to eat Swiss cheese, and I was a mere Level 4.
In order to eat the good cheese, I was going to have to “level up” some more, which would entail gaining “experience” over the course of a couple of weeks by killing about twenty thousand assorted beasts, demons and members of other sentient humanoid species.
If Kraft were to bring in such a policy, it would certainly not be pleasant but it would arguably offer a solution to the world’s overpopulation problem.
None of the aforementioned 15-year-olds seem to be bothered by the cheese problem, so I won’t dwell on it, lest I look like an idiot.
When an elf druid asked me the other day who was my favorite out of “Twilight”, it took a few minutes to establish that he/she was referring to a film about vampires or something, and not, as I had thought, some elf city I had yet to visit.
ME: Oh, right, I’ve heard of that
ME: It was parodied on South Park the other week
ELF: lol
ME: It’s like The Lost Boys, right?
ELF: whats the lost boys>
ME: Vampire movie from the 80s
ELF: the 80s?????
ME: Ever heard of Corey Haim?
I wouldn’t mind, but I deliberately chose a “roleplaying” server on which to deploy my toon in order to avoid precisely this kind of situation.
On roleplaying servers you’re not allowed to call your troll warlock asspirate, for example. And you’re supposed to talk in character for the most part.
I thought this would be the perfect way to avoid txt, a language with which I am still sadly confused.
It didn’t quite work out that way.
Within minutes of logging in for the first time, my toon was wandering around looking at stuff, trying to figure out what to do first and what was safe to hit with my sword, when it had its first encounter with another real human being.
A man resembling Hulk Hogan in a loin cloth approached and enquired: “Will you strip for me?”
I should point out at this point that my toon is the spitting image of Halle Berry but with a far nicer rack.
Not only because of the whole-nine-yards philosophy outlined above. But also because, when it comes to creating virtual characters for third-person video games, I’m of the school that believes it’s much nicer to stare at a make-believe woman’s ass for hours on end.
Anybody who thinks it’s gay is fooling themselves.
I hadn’t figured out how to twat other players with my big sword yet, so I felt duty-bound to respond to this character, with an outburst of pseudo-medieval filth.
I'm still on level 4.
If you’re wondering whether WoW may be the reason this blog has not been updated in two
months, you’d be hitting the nail rather precisely on the head)
8/14/2009
3/27/2009
Twenty-six Things a Perfect Guy Would Do,and Other Propaganda Disseminated by Misguided Women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you. LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? One of my best girl friends would beat the shit out of me if I touched her hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages. For your boobs maybe.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you. LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? One of my best girl friends would beat the shit out of me if I touched her hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages. For your boobs maybe.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
3/11/2009
When I'm not studying...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89frRi8GgGA
I'm watching this guy. Chelsey told me to check him out. I took her advice since we seem to have an incredibly similiar sense of humor.
Needless to say, I'm a huge fan. Everyone should check him out.
I'm watching this guy. Chelsey told me to check him out. I took her advice since we seem to have an incredibly similiar sense of humor.
Needless to say, I'm a huge fan. Everyone should check him out.
1/19/2009
A Beautiful Montage..
Made by a wonderful friend. I cannot thank her enough. I know it was a hard thing to do, but we all appreciate it.
My cousin, best friend and only source of moral direction;
My cousin, best friend and only source of moral direction;
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